Day 7 - Introspective

Merriam-Webster defines introspective as "to engage in an examination of one's thought process and sensory experience."  For those of you who have done any form of yoga you probably know that it can be a very introspective experience.  My instructors call our 90 minute long, 26 poses a 'moving meditation'.  We breath only through our nose in a very controlled manner.  This way of breathing in itself is a powerful method to bring our attention inward.  

Southern Arizona Skies

We are also encouraged to maintain eye contact with ourselves in the mirror.  This has only become easier for me in the past day or two.  I HATE looking in the mirror at myself.  Just as I hate being on the other side of a camera.  Probably like a lot of women out there, I focus on the negative...the fat rolls, the disappearing eyes, the one leg that is longer than the other, etc.  And being in a room heated anywhere from 105 to 110 degrees does not a pretty girl make!  My face becomes a frightening shade of crimson, I can see sweat literally dripping from my nose and elbows, my hair...well, my hair is a bird's nest of crooked, sweaty bobby pins.  Not exactly a time I want to be gazing upon my reflection!  However, at the insistence of my instructors, I am learning to focus solely on myself; to stop glancing around the room; to stop worrying about what people are thinking about me; to shut out what is going on around me, and to come into my own body, mind, and soul.  

Cattedrale di Santa Maria - Siena, Italy

Thus, over the course of these past 7 days I have become introspective not only during Bikram, but also in my everyday life. 

Butterfly on Dais

It just so happens that during this time of examining my thoughts and feelings, I come upon the 5 year anniversary of my dad's death.  7/7/07.  Lost to COPD brought on by smoking.  Lost after a double lung transplant.  Take those words and think on them for a moment:  Double.  Lung.  Transplant.  He was so afraid to have that surgery.  Refused to at the start.  But as his breathing worsened, and he got that phone call, he knew it was his only option.  He never left the hospital.  I meditate on that as I'm sweating through my 90 minute introspective yoga class.  I meditate on the good times we had.  I examine my feelings of guilt for moving across the country against his wishes as he struggled with this life/death decision.  

St. Frances - Assisi, Italy

I am grateful for these past 7 days.  Do I LOVE Bikram yoga?  Not like I love a good bottle of Kim Crawford Unoaked Chardonnay (3 more weeks, Kim!).  But I do love the feeling of accomplishment; the self-awareness; the alone time with me and my thoughts; the feeling after class of having sweat out not only toxins, but also negativity; the feeling of oneness with my body.  I feel more a part of my own body than I ever have.  Does that make sense to anyone besides me?  I feel the changes; I feel new muscles; I feel old muscles coming alive, stretching, awakening.  And it's only been 7 days!  As difficult as this challenge is, I'm still looking forward to what the next 3 weeks may bring!  Thank you for sharing my journey.  I miss you Dad.  XoXoXo

 Yoga is the perfect vehicle for change of yourself. First by creating a strong and powerful body and mind. It is a starting point from which you can begin to realize your human spirit.

— Bikram Choudhury

Day 3 - First Fart and First Lesson

Day 3 Blog accompanied by Photography Adventure Group's daily theme of Independence.

New York Stock Exchange

Yes, the first Bikram fart came tonight.  Although I'm happy to say it did not come from my tush (yet), it did, unfortunately, come from the person directly in front of me.  <sigh>

So, I wasn't going to blog about tonight's class.  I don't intend to bore you all with the details of all 30 classes by any means.  However, tonight I feel like I kind of got my first 'lesson' and thought it significant enough to share.

Tonight's instructor was actually the woman I mentioned in my first blog who's kickass body inspired me to get through that first class.  When I learned she was teaching tonight I told her as much and she was very sweet and gracious about it.  We talked about the student teacher who taught on Sunday and she assured me that her teaching style would be more informative and that she would help to ensure I was doing the moves correctly.  I told her I would very much appreciate that.

Washington Monument and American Flag

Maybe that's where my mistake was.  The class included a man there for his very first time, a girl who was there for her 2nd time, and me for my 3rd time.  The other people were, I assume, not newbies.  From the very first breathing posture she started critiquing me aloud.  That's fine.  I am QUITE OBVIOUSLY still learning and appreciate the help.  And of course I want to know what I'm not doing right.  The 2nd posture she critiques me again.  The 4th posture, again.  After about the 8th or 9th time I was kind of over it.  The only other names she called out were 'Jennifer' and 'Christina' and that was to praise them.  It felt as if I were the only person in the room doing the postures incorrectly.

Freedom Trail in Boston, MA

So, as the temperatures rose, as my body got weaker 60 minutes into class, my appreciation for her constructive criticism evaporated like my fellow yogi's fart in the heat.  I found myself fuming.  I found myself shooting daggers at her each time she called my name.  Honestly, the anger energized me enough to finish the class with good form in my final poses.  Was I praised like 'Jennifer' or 'Christina' for my Sasangasana  or my Janushirasana ?  No.  But I wasn't criticized for them either.

So, as we lie in the dark in our final Savasana at the end of class, our instructor begins to talk to us about the power of our own selves.  She begins to tell us how the power of Bikram can make us physically stronger and mentally stronger.  That each day we have what we need within ourselves to get through whatever life presents to us.  That no one should be able to make us angry or upset; that would be giving our power away.  That we should have the strength to say 'No' so that the power of 'Yes' is more meaningful.  That we should not apologize to anyone for how we feel.  And suddenly, my anger disappeared as a tear rolled down my sweaty cheek.  I got my first Bikram lesson.

Let no one steal your peace.

— Bikram Choudhury

Wishing you all a happy and safe Independence Day!!